Re-entry

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It is now eighteen days after our arrival in Santiago. I’ve been back to my previous life and job for two full weeks now.

Early on, somebody asked me “how’s re-entry been?” I’m not sure I gave a coherent answer at the time, and I’m not sure I’m going to give one now, either.

In short, it’s been difficult. I was expecting the same sort of culture-shock and dislocation that affected us last time. That is certainly present, and it’s definitely something that I’m working through as I process the lessons and miracles of the Camino.

Added to that, however, is a profound sense of lack, particularly in my work. It has, I’m ashamed to say, risen to the level of anger quite frequently in my first few days back. Shortest time between sacramental confessions in my life, that was.

It’s calmed down a little – or perhaps I’ve calmed down a little – but it’s definitely still there as background to every moment I’m at work or commuting. From anger, I’ve walked right into sorrow.

And what do I mean by a sense of lack in my work?

It’s just this – nothing that I do at my job particularly matters. In the long run, it will not save a single soul or nurture a single life. There is also what I can only describe as a lack of support and a cutting of resources constantly undermining any corporate good I might be doing. How bad is it? The only guy who backed up my position was laid off while I was gone.

At first, I was angry. The careful edifice of documentation and management that I’d built up over five years was being disassembled by well-meaning folks who have no idea what they’re doing but are confident that their new methodology will work – the hubris of amateurism.

Now, I’m just sad to see all that work – five years worth – perfectly wasted.

Way Truth LifeThe punches keep flying.

I served Monday at the funeral Mass of beloved priest of the Archdiocese. This was a difficult couple of days, for a host of reasons.

And then, a few days ago our eldest cat Lucy Loo died.

So a pretty rough couple of weeks.

Within all of that, I am struggling to keep the spirit of the Camino working in my life. This time, it is requiring a conscious effort. This time I’m not nostalgic for the Camino so much as desperate to keep its flame alive.

One comment

  • Liz

    I know that feeling but more from when I take off time and spend it with family. But I am also familiar with leave normal life for a month or three then returning. I think the most important thing is to ask our Heavenly Father why He placed us where He did and what does He want us to accomplish while we are here. Also if He wants us to move and where.
    There is a huge sense of loss when we are actually able to truly life in the moment and not in a box where anything can be dumped on us with no real ability to escape.
    For me viewing it all as a ride or myself as an instrument for peace help a lot; but it still doesn’t take the ache away entirely. I think that is what is referred to in Hebrews 11:16 “Instead, they were longing for a better country, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them.”
    There is just such an empty space when we return to the known after dwelling in the uncertain.

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